Saturday, December 30, 2006

To new beginnings

2006 – What a year it was. Fast-paced – ironical – eventful – shocking –expected. Team India created records – for better in West Indies and for worse In South Africa. The reservation debate saw no conclusion coming up. Only the divide between the "forward" and "backward" classes became all the more obvious. The 250th anniversary of Mozart was celebrated all across the world. Italy won the world cup. U2 were the big winners on the Grammy night. The third death anniversary of Satyendra Dubey. Cheney "accidentally" shot his friend in the face. Chile got it’s first female president. Agassi retired from the international tennis circuit at the Arthur Ashe Stadium. Bird flu spread waves of fear across Europe, Africa and Asia. Continuous bomb blasts rocked the local trains – the lifeline of Mumbai. Santosh Kumar Singh was awarded capital punishment for the murder of Priyadarshini Mattoo. Warren Buffett performed an unimaginable act of magnanimity – donated a huge part of his assets to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Aussies regained the Ashes. Gandhigiri was the buzzword after Lage raho Munnabhai released. North Korea conducted it’s first nuclear test. The Nathula Pass opened for trade after 44 years. Gangster and Fanaa were the summer hits in India. Edvard Munch’s "The Scream" and "Madonna" were recovered. . Bangalore virtually came to a halt for a day due to the death of the Kannada superstar, Rajkumar. Crash shocked everyone by winning the academy award for the Best Picture. Micheal Schumacher retired from Formula-1. Umrao Jaan and Don were remade - they received mixed reactions. The first death anniversary of Shanmughan Manjunath. A quote by the Pope about Islam faith sparked mass protests. UN got it’s next Secretary General - Ban-Ki-Moon. IE7 came into picture. Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death. President Bush visited India. Manu Sharma was awarded life sentence for murdering Jessica Lall. Shane Warne announced his retirement from international cricket. The Discovery Space Shuttle mission was successful. Saddam Hussein was executed.

Personally, it was a year of mixed experiences. Discovered Bangalore. Made loads of new friends. Some friendships fell apart – some stood the test of time. Read up quite a few books. Shashi Tharoor managed to impress me immensely. My list of must-read books continued to increase. Learnt up quite a bit about astronomy. Plan to buy a telescope sometime next year. Wipro continues to be a learning experience – workwise and otherwise. Hrithik – my crush of 2006. Might carry over the crush to 2007 :) Found another "to-do thing in life" this year – have coffee in Huesca. It was good – all of it – the tears, the laughs, the lessons, the people, the places.

Yesterday was a good day – at work and at home. Things happened at work. The code was working just fine. Got quite a few words of appreciation. Got to eat chocolate cake after quite some time. Got into a course at Microsoft, which I am sure, will be a good learning experience, if nothing else. Discovered a Levi’s store near my house yesterday. More shopping – am not complaining – no sir :)

One day away from 2007 – things seem set for a change –for better or worse, I don’t know, but I cant wait to find out. Happy new year to you all. Hope it turns out to be a mixed bag, just like the year gone by. To new beginnings.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Office politics

Sometimes 100 percent is not enough. Sometimes months of slogging are not enough. Sometimes 12 hours of non-stop work is not enough. Sometimes ignoring hard work is the easiest thing to do. Sometimes no matter what you do, you can never exceed expectations. Work is tough at times. Times when you fight back tears and continue to answer a non-stop series of mindless questions. Times when you are made the scapegoat. Times when you are the object of scorn and sarcasm for no reason. Times when you don’t find a reason to go back and face the next day at work. Times when you just want to scream out at the top of your voice. Times when for once you just want to be a loser, turn your back and run away.

At those times, what motivates you to return to your cubicle the next day? Continue with the same stuff? Listen to the same gossip? Read similar forwards? Have the same old over-dulcified coffee? How do you motivate yourself? How often do you remind yourself – "It’s not personal"? How do you "cut off" once you leave the office? How do you avoid the hangover? My dream – my goal - my motivation – my strength – my reason to smile - my raison d’être. They say - when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Meanwhile, I stick my heel in and continue with my work - after all, its true – 100 percent is never enough.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Deja vu

I have been here before. I know this place. It was not very long ago. It feels uncannily familiar to me. I remember this smell. The musty smell of dried flowers. I can hear distant voices. It feels like they are calling out to me. Wait – this was exactly how I felt the last time I was here.

It is dark all around me. I try walking around. My feet can’t seem to find the ground. I want to turn around and run away, even though I know I might regret it. I stand still – undecided in mind – insecure in person. I am filled with a sudden urge to cry. Instead, I laugh. It doesn’t quite sound like me. I try saying a few words – distant – spaced out. I can’t seem to hear myself anymore. I try real hard to listen. No luck. I give up after a while. I try to slow down my racing thoughts. I make an attempt to silence them. It turns out to be a futile effort. All I hear now is the constant pitter-patter of rain drops all around me.

The realization dawns on me. It strikes me out of nowhere. I remember this place – this uncertainity – this nonchalance – this silence –this pain. I remember it all now – vividly. It’s a forgotten corner of my mind. I have been here before. I know this place. It was not very long ago.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Satya Meva Jayate

Satya Meva Jayate - I read these three words while looking at a five-rupee note way back in school. I did not understand the meaning right away. I found it out later – truth always triumphs. Wonder how true is that. I have been brought up on a steady diet of tales from Mahabharata which, as we all know, is filled with acts of subtle deceit and questionably forgivable lies. Truth never always won in that epic saga – what makes us think it will always win in our daily life? The Bhagavad-Gita justifies and endorses a lie as long as it does not harm anyone. I wonder – which line of thinking is an idealist one and which one is the pragmatic one?

November 19, 2006: The first death anniversary of Shanmughan Manjunath - a graduate from IIM, Lucknow. He had an exciting future lying ahead. While receiving the coveted degree from the IIM, little did he know about his tragic end. He was just doing his job – loyally. He was canceling the licenses of petrol pumps, which sold contaminated fuel. For siding with truth, Manjunath was abducted, badly beaten up and eventually shot dead. His body, riddled with at least six bullets, was found in the backseat of his own car. Not many remember him today. Some wonder why he just did not shut up and let the status quo be. Some see his name pop up in a random "Indian of the Year" contest, try to recollect his claim to "fame", frown for a moment and then move on to the next channel. His parents continue to cry on prime time television. Satya Meva Jayate??

November 27, 2006: The media suddenly woke up to the memory of Satyendra Dubey. "Satyendra..err…who??" – that was the reaction of one of my colleagues when he heard of this news. Well, Dubey was the man who was killed just because he tried to bring to the notice of the PMO, the blatant corruption going on in the Golden Quadrilateral Highway construction project. He was an IITian with a bright future ahead. Today he is a distant memory and just a name tossed across in intellectual debates and discussions. His father continues to shed tears till date. Satya Meva Jayate??

Jessica Lall was shot on April 29, 1999. Manu Sharma was awarded life sentence on 18 December 2006. Priyadarshini Mattoo died in 1996. Santosh Kumar Singh was awarded capital punishment on October 17, 2006. Nitish Katara died in 2002. His case is doing the rounds in the court till date. Justice was delivered in some cases because of the intense media pressure and the mass involvement of people. What about the million of other injustices which remain untold and which go by unnoticed just because people do not have the guts to stand up and fight for truth, in those scenarios.

Satya Meva Jayate – Truth ALWAYS wins. Looking around me, I don’t think so. But, truth wins – sometimes. Having said that, what should prompt us to try and be on the side of truth, knowing very well that being on the side of truth need not mean being on the winning side. I guess the fact that all of us would want our children to inherit a society where Satya Meva Jayate – in the true, literal sense – always.

Forces of Nature

Movies – not my preferred pastime. They don’t interest me much. I belong to that really rare species that prefers to read up movie reviews and get a general overview. I don’t have the time or the patience to sit through for two hours in front of fleeting images. Believe it or not – I find movies boring and tiresome.

I make an exception for a few movies though. Forces of nature - one such movie. I saw it yesterday – again – for the fifth time. Starring Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock, the movie can be easily classified as a romantic comedy, but I feel this one is a little different from the rest. Everything that happens between the two protagonists through the course of the movie seems like an indication from nature that they are meant to be with each other – they are soulmates. Ben finds himself falling in love with Sandra, inspite of the fact that he is on his way home to get married. He admires the way Sandra embraces life. He hesitantly admits that he finds her smile to be infectious.

Affleck is truly endearing in the movie –as usual. Sandra, sometimes, is a little over the top with her zest for life – but given how good the movie turns out to be, you are willing to forgive and forget the sudden, out-of-place spurts of enthusiasm. I find the movie different because it is unlike any other Hollywood romance. It is not all about dreams, chemistry, mindless fights, petty quarrels, flowers and happy endings. The story never detaches itself from the mundanely irony of life, while it unravels.

Towards the climax, one finds the idealism of their attraction juxtaposed against the pragmatism of life. And the decision is simple. No drama - no tears. Simple acceptance of status quo. The nonchalance with which Sandra moves on with her life and the sheer normality with which Ben marries his fiancée makes a lasting impact.

The movie is a simple yet effective reminder about a very essential thing in life – priorities. A huge lesson in pragmatism every time I watch it –that’s Forces of Nature for me. I don’t think many people have heard about the movie. I am not certain if it was a huge hit. But I am sure about one thing – I can never get tired of watching it.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Who am I?

Am I unique? Born in a hospital, just like the others. Cried for hours together as a baby, just like the others. Went to the school, just like the others. Made friends, just like the others. Cried my tears – shared a lot of laughs - just like the others. Got bored in classes - just like the others. Idealized a few teachers - just like the others. Studied way into the night before exams - just like the others. Enjoyed teenage years - just like the others. Have a favorite actor - just like the others. Have a favorite book - just like the others. Learn my lessons - just like the others. Dream about my future - just like the others. Wish to live life on my terms - just like the others.

Am I just another face in the crowd? What makes me special? What makes me stand out? My face – everyone has the same two eyes, two ears, and one nose. My thoughts – all think of similar things sometime or the other during their lives – success, ambition, family, charity, religion – that does not help distinguish. My emotions – every one has felt love, hatred, jealous, compassion and greed at some point during their life – that is not a differentiating factor. My goals – everyone dreams of success, fame, money, goodwill – again, not much help from this front either, to severalise myself.

How do I define myself? What is my identity? Who is Dolly Dwivedi? What is her USP as an individual? What makes her special and irreplaceable? I am yet to find out the answer to that question. Meanwhile, I’d like to ask you – what do you think is your USP as a person?

Saturday, December 23, 2006

What if?

What if we knew our destiny beforehand? Would that make life less interesting? Would we not make mistakes and misjudgments at all?

What if we could read what actually went on in other people’s heads? Would we never be duped again ever? Would we always want to know what people thought of us?

What if we could be in two places at once? Would that be fun? Would it be tiresome?

What if there was no technology around us? Would we be able to manage without it? Would life be much simpler? Would life be boring?

What if we were to find unconditional love? Would it be too good to believe? Would we be able to give back the same amount of love? Would we be tired of it after a while?

What if we could forget things that we want to forget, in a jiffy? Would life be less complicated? Wouldn’t that increase the possibility of making the same mistake over and over again?

What if all our dreams were fulfilled? Would we ever be satiated? Would we ever stop with our dreams and desires?

What if we got all the money in the world? Would that take away all our problems and worries? Would that be enough to make us happy?

What if there was no concept of money? Would that mean there would no poverty to deal with? Would we find a substitute for money – some way to distinguish who gets all the good things in life and who struggles for survival?

What if there was no hatred in this world? Would we stop appreciating love? Is it necessary for hatred to exist so that people realise and treasure the beauty of love?

What if we could fall out of love as easily and spontaneously as we fall in love? Would that ever be possible? Would it eliminate the word "heartbreak" from the dictionary?

What if you were to become invisible for a day? Would you enjoy it? Would you wait for the day to get over? Would you think of it as an identity crisis or would you treat it as an opportunity to steal as many ice creams as possible?

What if you could go back in time? Would you want to go back and meet Marilyn Monroe and ask her whether she actually committed suicide or was she murdered? Would you want to meet Hitler and ask him how he managed to perform such atrocious acts against people and still sleep peacefully at night? Would you want to stay in the present and leave the past alone for good?

What if you were asked to choose between love and money? Would it be a simple one? Would you choose money? Would you choose love? Would you be sure of your decision?

What if there was no concept of morals and values? Would that make life more fun? Would you miss it? Would you still manage to listen to your conscience?

What if you lived you life backward? Would you enjoy being a senior citizen first and then gradually becoming a child as life progressed?

What if there was no information and communication? Would you like that life of isolation and ignorance? On what basis would you form your opinions?

What if you could easily forgive and forget? Would you want to do that? Would you still love to hold onto your grudge?

What if you could be kids forever? Would you like to stay away from responsibilities? Would you like to be taken seriously after a while?

What if you never found your soul mate? Would you be okay with that? Would you make a compromise? Would you stay single all your life?

What if you could escape from reality at your own free will? Would you like that? Would you rather stay and face the problem at hand? Would you just wish the trouble away?

What if there was no art around us? How would we express our feelings and our creativity?

What if there was no God? How would we find our inner strength? How would the concept of atheists exist without the presence of God? Would there be no fights in the name of something else, if not religion?

What if we could not smile and laugh? Would we never come up with the concept of humour? What would make life worth living then?

What if we had a definitive answer to every "what if" we came up with? We would enjoy it? Would we prefer the unpredictability factor associated with it?

What if we stopped asking a "what if"? Would the world still progress? Would the world stagnate? Would we be bored with the status quo? Would we just love to stop thinking about it?

Friday, December 22, 2006

On happiness

Some one asked me to define happiness the other day. It did not take me much time to come up with an answer. To be honest, it was a spontaneous reply. Elusive – my answer. When I got the chance to think about it later, I found that a little strange about myself. Happiness meant something else to me in the past. I can’t exactly recollect what, but elusive – not that.

I tried to think of the times when I was 3 feet tall. I tried recollecting what made me happy back then. Simple things in life. A chocolate. A cake. Mangoes. Playing with friends. Ice creams. Watching Tom and Jerry. Listening to dad telling me stories before I fell asleep. Getting wet in the rain. Getting a 100 in a Math paper. Summer holidays. Fighting with my brother. Trying to play cricket and failing miserably. Getting my first pet home. Sit beside ma while she prepared dinner and bug her with all that went on in school everyday. Waiting for diwali sweets. Laughing for hours together with friends. Learning to ride a cycle. Understanding the meaning of a difficult word when some one else used it. Reading Enid Blyton’s books. Just mundane stuff.

It struck me that it did not take much to make me feel absolutely fantastic about life and myself back then. Somewhere along the line, while growing up, I forgot to celebrate small achievements and enjoy little moments of joy. I started to associate happiness with big goals and larger dreams. Small moments of rejoicing just went by –unnoticed - ignored. The standards of happiness increased – subtly – exponentially.

Happiness, at some point of our lives, seems elusive. I think that’s because we forget to celebrate what’s with us and run after what we think should belong to us. A wise man once said – Happiness is not about what you have – it’s about how much you enjoy what you have. It’s easier said than done I guess.

Well, the definition of happiness and things that make me happy will keep changing. But, I will remind myself to smile just a little bit more the next time I eat an ice cream. I owe it to that 3 feet tall girl.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

There's a right time for everything

Is there a right time to do everything in life? This was the question that came up in my mind when I was talking to a colleague of mine the other day over coffee. I thought the answer was simple – there is no right time defined for everything in life – things can be done as and when you want them to be done. But, I realised that it isn’t that simple. Can an 18-year-old start going to school to learn things from scratch? Can a 40-year-old man go the pub and party all night long? Can a couple married for 20 odd years behave like love struck teenagers? I always thought that the answer to those questions was a unanimous, big yes.

Today, I realise that there are people who beg to differ. I have been meeting them of late. People who divide life into phases and move along. People who feel marriage at the age of 30 is madness. People who feel that the first two years of marriage are the most pleasant ones. People who think that studying beyond the age of 25 is foolishness. People who feel there should be an end to the learning phase of life. People who feel that old age is about pilgrimage, pills and meditation. People who feel that a display of love and affection between our grandmothers and grandfathers is an abnormality. Well, they have their own reasons and beliefs for their line of thought and I respect that, but come on people! Give it a thought once again – please!!!

Digressing away from what I have been wanting to say, the one thing which amuses me the most and which I think I have to mention here is the perception of knowledge among people. I have come across several people who hate reading, saying that their forced relationship with books ended way back in college and they prefer to keep it that way. Well, I feel sorry for the lot – do they have any clue about the huge gamut of ideas, notions, perceptions, thoughts and knowledge that they are missing out on? I can only guess. If it works just fine for them, all I can say is – good for you.

But, even otherwise, in our daily life, why are we, at times, bad learners? Why is it so difficult for us to accept when we don’t know something? I have seen people at my office – even when they don’t know things, they try and put on an act, accompanied by convincing software jargon, just to make you believe that they are technical big shots. Do they have any idea that their act is so transparent that their ignorance is blatantly visible? Why is it that after 8 years of working in the software field, people find it insulting to refer back to a book and get the right answers? The more I thought about it, the more I was asking one question to myself again and again. When do we decide that we need to stop learning? When do we feel that we know enough? Is it a conscious decision?

I have seen a scientist – a very good one at that. I think he’s one wise man and knows quite a lot about his subject, but I have seen him study for hours at stretch – daily - I have never seen him get tired of it. For him, studying is a habit. He tells me that I should inculcate that habit as well. I have always made an effort but when I look at him, I realise that I have a long way to go. That’s a timeless effort – for him, no time is a bad time to study. I am sure when he’s 90, he still will be reading, sitting on his favorite chair, with Kalam’s biography to his right and Bhagvadgita to his left.

Getting back to the discussion on time, this scientist was the man who made me believe that any time is the right time to do anything that I want to do. Time is money – an essential commodity – learn to use it well and more than that - learn to use it right. But most importantly, learn not to make it an excuse, saying this is not the right time for so and so.

Well, all said and done, time – excess of it or absence of it – can be a real, good excuse for several things. We love to believe that we are indeed using the time at hand well - there is a lot of time to do all those things I want to do – this is not the right time – this should have been done way back then – this is not the age to learn dancing – this is not the age to learn something about astronomy. Amidst all the alibis we keep searching for – frantically - in the past and the future, the importance of present is lost, somewhere along the way – we forget that what do we do with our now determines our next. Why do we underestimate "now" so much?

A cheesy line sums it up the best – where there is a will, there is a way and where there is no will, there is a hill. Now, time for me to stop here, but I would like to know what you have to say about the "right time for everything" concept.