Jobless!

A friend sent me this questionnaire - was fun - I had an awesome time filling it - hope u have fun reading it :)

1. You can whistle and steam can whistle, so why do you sing in the shower?

Coz steam won’t sing for me

2. The first time you had your shoes taken off - how surprised were you to see that you still had toes?

As surprised as I was when Mimoh’s first movie was a flop – totally expected.

3. Describe the sound of a moist waffle falling onto a hot griddle.

I don’t know – teeth chattering – me singing - mice giggling – dogs barking – frogs croaking.

4. Try making up the rules to a game where you tie knots in a yo-yo string just to see if you can get them out.

I don’t think am that jobless YET! I would rather play ludo.

5. You get to ride the big roller coaster three times in a row. What will keep your dad from taking a bite out of your candy apple?

Telling him that I saw our dog lick that candy apple.

6. Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety school?
The Feline School of Sheer Nonsense.

7. Lionesses have no manes. How do they know when they're grown up?
I bunked all the biology classes in school – sorry!

8. Your bow is not broken but you've run out of arrows? How can you fake being a bard?
Bard is a poet right??? Jokes apart, is it Bard or Bart Simpson???

9. You forgot your mom's birthday!! What can you make out of super glue and olive pits?
A cake??

10. What's the best time you've ever had licking stamps?
Just after I watched Dead Poet’s society. Watching that movie was more boring than licking stamps I guess :)

11. If you could peer far enough into the night sky, you'd see a star in any direction you looked. When would you sleep?
Duh! When I close my eyes.

12. You have to dig a hole to China, where to you start?
From your ear

13. When you hesitate before hitting snooze on your alarm clock, are you being lazy?
No – am being abnormal.

14. You've written a hit musical! How will you avoid having fame go to your head?
By reminding myself that even Himesh Reshamiya has hit music to his credit even though he sucks!

15. The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig.

Long long time ago - a frog was hungry – he ate his hair – he became bald. That’s how he was called the bald frog. The fish gifted him a wig – he ate his wig and the fish – and he ruled the pond happily ever after – the end.

16. You're trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape.
Sing in my most “melodious” voice so that all the creatures in the well will throw me out of it within seconds. I am alive – am alive :P

17. If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying poop deck?
Is it necessary to avoid laughing?

18. Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?
Mera bharat mahaan - am serious – dead serious.

19. Whoops! Your tongue is now a magnet. Whatever will you use for silverware?
I will eat with hands – good old Indian way :)

20. Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies. How will you maintain your secret identity?
Always carry a porcupine with me coz porcupines stink!

21. Your pajamas have duckies on them. Why did you switch from choo-choos?
Coz I moved out of Lebanon and now wanna be accepted by the Iranians.

22. What's the earliest you've gotten up to watch cartoons and what did you see?
5 AM. The hindi news on Aaj Tak.


23. You've got to make contact with the alien leader. How will you tell when the conversation is finished?
When I feel like slapping the guy who arranged this meeting with the alien leader in the first place.

24. What reason do you have to believe the earth is flat?
I like to be referred to as a conservative grandma. Makes me feel very special.

25. Your people want to make a statue in your honor. What will it be made out of and what victory will it commemorate?
Cream and sugar – victory of the dog over the cat in my neighbourhood.

26. If mud is dirt plus water, what is clay?
Clay is fun timepass!

27. Which is easier to make a model airplane out of and why: a banana peel or a wet sock?
A banana peel - coz U get to eat the banana before u can start making the airplane with the peel.

28. What would you wear for camouflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?
Something brown – duh duh duh!

29. For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note:
Dear aunt- thanks for your gift. Please don’t send me a gift next year – gift vouchers will do :)

30. You have a red jar of cedar chips. Why do moths miss the forest?
The moths did not tell me – how would I know then? Lemme guess - coz they died?

31. Radio wire is often used to make bird nests. What station do they listen to?
The voices in Bart Simpsons’s head?? I heard its awesome entertainment.

32. Why do you think honeydew is the money melon?
Coz apples are the king of the forest.

33. What did you dream when you ate a spider while sleeping?
I dreamt that Mimoh was the reigning superstar of Indian cinema.

34. You've rented a sky-writer to propose to your significant other, but it's completely overcast. What will you do?
Do the frog jump in the rain?? No? Sounds like fun right?

35. The hair from your last haircut ... what would it say about your new style?
Tra la la lalalala

36. How do you pronounce the 'g' in bologna?
The ‘g’ is silent right?

37. In the dream where you show up to school naked, why do you never go swimming?
Coz I prefer to keep things practical n realistic even in dreams - when did you ever swim to school????

38. If there's no I in team, why is there meat?
I think coz there is a mirror around somewhere :)

39. What spells can you cast with magic markers?
Let’s not hope for much here – “spell”ings are all you get out of magic markers.

40. When you've got water stuck in your ear, how do you get it out?
Put your head in an oven and wait for the water to evaporate.

Did I dazzle you?

I had a 1590 on my SAT, I got a 44 on my MCAT, and I have a 4.0 GPA from MIT. I thought I had my life mapped out, but then I remembered what my non linear equations professor once told me, always account for variable change... I let down my good friends, but as it turns out, they weren't too bad at simple math either. I scored the prettiest girl in school. I got beaten down by an old school Vegas thug who was having trouble excepting his retirement, but I worked out a deal with him that got him a nice pension... And I lied to my mother, but I confessed a lie and well, she still loved me... So my senior year of college I joined this team and I learned this new skill. I went to Vegas 17 times to use it. I made hundreds of thousands of dollars counting cards. And then I had it all stolen from me, twice... How's that for life experience professor? Did I dazzle you? Did I jump off the page?

~ Ben Campbell in 21 (2008)

Heal the world

That's what hunger does to millions of people - some where - every day.


Make this site or this site your home page and you can make a difference to someone's life. Do your bit in healing the world - everyday - it's just a click away.

"Great art picks up where nature ends"

Google tells me it's Marc Chagall's birth anniversary today. When you first hear it, his name does not strike a chord but ever seen Notting Hill? This post will definitely remind you of Chagall if you are a huge fan of Notting Hill - like me :) On an honest note, I never quite understood his art - his definition and usage of symbolism was a little weird according to me - using goats, cows, horses and what not - somehow he did not seem conventional or normal. But he once said - "In our life there is a single color, as on an artist's palette, which provides the meaning of life and art. It is the color of love." Yeah, he had his quirks - but he was weird, queer, wise man awrite :)

H-A-P-P-Y-N-E-S-S

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson, the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking: How did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue. And maybe we can actually never have it, no matter what. How did he know that?

~Christopher Gardner in The Pursuit of happyness (2006)

Frankly speaking

Marriage - why don't some people understand the weight - true meaning - essence - of this word. Everyone is in a hurry to get married - but do they know what they are signing up for - I don't know. I have seen many friends get married in front of me and most of them are sad - bored - tired. No logic exists - no words can explain it - no silence can justify it - the suffocation of a marriage going bad.

Who can one blame - the wife - the husband - the parents. I don't understand arranged marriages - they somehow mostly don't work in today's world. Don't get me wrong - am not supporting love marriages blindly - but come on - you at least know what you are signing up for - if things go wrong or right, you are at least living the consequences of decisions made by you. In an arranged marriage - you live some one else's decision - is it fair - is it right - I don’t know.

One advice to any guy who would care to listen - treat your girls with respect - they are smart, intelligent girls - treat them well - if you can't make them smile - at least don't hurt them with your words and actions - when you marry a girl, she does not become your slave - get that into your head first. All adjustments are not to be done by the girl alone - learn to adjust for Pete’s sakes!

For girls - adjust with your guys - but not at the cost of your self-respect. It's wrong to take things lying down beyond a certain point. Respect him but don’t forget to respect yourself for what you are - don't let any guy tell you how you are supposed to live your life.

Yep - I have spoken my mind - I can only imagine the helplessness of the two partners involved - pray for them - talk to them. They have to help themselves out - to make things work.

Hilarious

Disclaimer: To maintain the flow of the post, I have forgotten modesty momentarily and have gone ahead and typed the kind adjectives used by friends for me - excueeeej me :)

Recently, a conversation went something like this -

G: Hey – wonder wot’s up with V man! He’s going to BITS, Pilani! Told ya – he’s one fundoo freak!

R: Serious! Cool man! We slog it out in Bhavan’s while he’s off to Pilani – man some people just have it all….sigh

G: Not all that bad man – almost all studs out of BITS have big heads – all snobs – snooty weirdos – show offs I tell ya.

R: Hmm….you are right. Maybe we are not in that bad a place in life after all. Look at us - look at Dollz - we are modest, down-to-earth people – we wouldn’t have been like that - if we were from say BITS or IIT – right?

Me: I am not so sure about that :)

R: Ya right! BTW, which college are you from anyways?

Me: (after a long pause and a grin) BITS, Pilani :)

Long silence followed by laughter – these are definitely good times I say :)

For the love of money?

“The moon belongs to everyone - the best things in life are free
The stars belong to everyone - they gleam there for you and me
And love can come to everyone - the best things in life are free”

The last time I heard those lines I had laughed at my friend who told them (rather sang them) to me and made him see how only money matters and is the very reason for our mere existence – I could not convince him then – neither could he convince me. Weirdly, I found myself quoting those very lines to another friend recently – I was trying to make him see how one could have good times with no money involved. Again – he could not convince me – neither could I convince him.

This whole turn of events made me wonder - when did I start thinking like that. Money still is very important to me – but is it my raison d'etre – am not sure. Money can buy me every happiness, which I have always dreamed about since forever – I can go to Scotland – I can buy my Mercedes - my Rado - my Vertu – I can shop at Gucci, Ralph Lauren, Prada, Guess outlets – I can stay at the Hilton & the Ritz – I can have several exotic meals at Le Jules Verne on Eiffel Tower – I could have everything that money could buy – but would those things just give me temporary thrill or could those things assure me permanent happiness – am not sure. If money was indeed the answer to all problems, is it true that fantastically rich people are never sad – do they have no problems – is life a party for them always - am not sure.

I don’t need money - to laugh over a joke – to enjoy the beauty of a scenic view – to act like a kid at times – to enjoy the rains – to share good time with friends – to draw different shapes with clouds in the sky – simple joys – small pleasures – genuine happiness. Don’t get me wrong – I definitely agree that money is the pre-requisite for a comfortable life – money cannot be ignored – money is definitely something – but is it everything – am not sure. Money is a means to achieve happiness – but do we mostly confuse it for happiness in itself – am not sure. Jonathan Swift definitely knew what he was talking about when he said that a wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart. Seriously, friends who know me are gonna be real surprised after reading this post – but yeah guys, some thoughts change as life catches up with you :)

“The moon belongs to everyone – the best things in life are free” – I think I understand today wot my friend was trying to explain to me back then. Well said dude – rather - well sung.

Vanakkam Chennai

I admit that 30 odd hours aren’t enough to know a city – but one does get a feel of the vibe of the place right? I visited Chennai this week and since then I have been thinking of what to write about the place - I thought about it all the way on the return flight- on my way back home – but still could not find the right words to describe the experience.

I had been to Chennai before - when it was Madras - but that was long back - had no memories from those times. This trip wasn’t something that I was looking forward to. It was an obligation – a necessity – to visit the place. When my flight landed at the airport, I braced myself for the supposed nightmare called Chennai. But, I was in for a surprise. The view that met me as soon I exited the airport was awesome – a huge hillock - covered with greens – set against a cloudy, sleepy evening sky. They say first impressions matter and boy was I impressed. I just stood there watching – taking in the beauty of the scene – till our cab arrived. The drive to the guesthouse was slow and rhythmic. I was registering the sights of the city as we sped along. People often tell me that this is a hot, dull and boring city – I met a different Chennai – this one was lively – fresh – exciting. Long rows of brightly-lit shops – coffee stands – people spilling onto roads – cars and buses honking – Tamil scrawled on walls and hoardings here and there – a lonely tree every now and then – the normal daily buzz of life was everywhere.

I was filled with awe the first time I saw IIT Chennai and Anna University. Both have beautiful campuses. Anna Univ. has few beautifully crafted buildings. I just walked around in silence. Just standing on the hallowed grounds of IIT was a surreal experience – honestly. People everywhere in Chennai give such warm and honest smiles to complete strangers. I was having a tough time conversing in Tamil but all people I met were amazingly patient and even the staunchest locals struggled to speak in English and even in Hindi just for my convenience – that was really sweet - we had a hearty laugh over the millions of mistakes I made while speaking in Tamil.

Chennai came across as a city of chruches – almost every busy road – every narrow lane – led to a quiet church – all calm and peaceful – distinct -in contrast with all the chaos surrounding it.

The long, never-ending Marina Beach remained to be checked out. The feel of silky sands on bare feet – gentle waves kissing the shores lazily every now and then – a bunch of excited kids playing cricket – long rows of beautifully coloured boats – nets lying tangled on the shores - fisher men and women at work – looking all busy and important – friends and families sharing good times. I felt all tiny and small standing on the shores and staring at the horizon across deep blue waters. My heart felt light – with happiness. I am sure that beach must have gifted beautiful memories to all who had ever been there.

I approached Chennai as a prejudiced stranger – I don’t know when I became friends with her. Chennai is filled with simple joys – enjoying dosai and a kappi early in the morning with a light drizzle for company – eating hot sambar rice with crisp appalams on a banana leaf - walking along Marina Beach – lazing around in Chennai Citi Centre – exploring Adyar – getting the feel of IIT – speaking in broken tamil and having a hearty laugh over my mistakes – meeting amazingly warm and friendly people – smiling back at shy, curious kids – the veshtis – the Kanjeevarams – I liked every bit of Chennai that I saw – I enjoyed every moment spent there.

Before I knew, I was back at the airport – staring at that beautiful hilly terrain once again. Back to where I started I guess – there was a difference now though – Chennai was no longer a stranger to me.

Maybe

She: It hurts

He: Yeah - it does

She: Wot hurts you dude?

He: Watching Vidya in Kismet Konnection. Sad!

She: Wot hurts - to love someone with all your heart knowing that your presence or absence makes no difference to him - knowing that he doesnt miss you even in the smallest way possible - knowing that you are not a part of his world - knowing that you are doing the most impractical thing on this planet and still doing it anyway - that hurts.

He: Ouch - that must actually hurt - is that why we are sitting in a temple right now?

She: Maybe

He: Well - think about this - isnt it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

She: Easier said than done

He: Is that why we are sitting in a temple right now?

She: Maybe

Rules to love?

Typical weekend – typical plans – saw the movie 'Rules' with friends. It was fantastic – fabulous - awesome - wot a film! Milind Soman was super cool as usual – Meera Vasudevan as Radha was a real sweetheart – Tanuja really rocked it as the been-there-done-that super funky grandma. However the best thing about the movie was the theme – interesting – intriguing – hilarious – a formula to love – a set of rules to make someone love you.

The film made for an interesting chat afterwards – do such rules actually work in real life? Or does love know no rules? Can you modulate your behaviour to make some one fall for you? Then what are first impressions all about? Is the whole wooing and flattering ritual over-rated? Can you actually make love happen? Is it okay to fake an image in love? Is it justified to pretend just because you’re in love? Is it after all really true that all’s fair in love?

The questions ended as the coffee mugs emptied – all said and done – Rules was a really good watch – with some beautifully written songs like this one - rock on :)

Whattae song I say!

Heard this song after very long - lovely tune - beautiful lyrix - divine vocals - its been playing on repeat on my iPod all through this week - sheer bliss - pure ecstasy :)

Mere mann yeh bata de tu - kis or chala hai tu
Kya paya nahi tune - kya dhoondh raha hai tu

Jo hai ankahee - jo hai ansunee
Woh baat kya hai bata
Mitwa - kahe dhadkane tujhse kya
Mitwa - yeh khud se to na tu chhupa

Jeevan dagar mein - prem nagar mein
Aaya nazar mein jab se koi hai
Tu sochta hai - tu poochta hai
Jis ki kami thi kya yeh wohi hai
Haan yeh wohi hai - haan yeh wohi hai
Tu ek pyaasa aur yeh nadi hai
Kaahe nahi isko tu khul ke bataye

Jo hai ankahee - jo hai ansunee
Woh baat kya hai bata
Mitwa - kahe dhadkane tujhse kya
Mitwa - yeh khud se to na tu chhupa

Teri nigahen paa gayee raahein
Par tu yeh soche - jau na jau
Yeh zindagi jo - hai naachti to
Kyun bediyon mein hai tere paanv
Preet ki dhun par naach le pagal
Udta agar hai - udne de aanchal
Kaahe koi apne ko aise tarasaye

Jo hai ankahee - jo hai ansunee
Woh baat kya hai bata
Mitwa - kahe dhadkane tujhse kya
Mitwa - yeh khud se to na tu chhupa

Mere mann yeh bata de tu - kis or chala hai tu
Kya paya nahi tune - kya dhoondh raha hai tu

Song: Mitwa
OST: Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (2006)

Justice...finally

Bijal Joshi – I knew nothing about her - till today. She must have lived an ordinary happy life – like most of us do – but she had no clue about what her future held for her – a mind-numbing agony and a relieving death. She was killed in spirit on December 31, 2003 and she committed suicide on January 7, 2004. She was finally delivered justice today – details follow here

Every attempt possible was made to save the accused but finally amidst all that - truth prevailed. While the lifer for the five accused re-affirms one’s faith in the judicial system of this country, alongside I find it hard to ignore this recurring thought – for her family the wait lasted five years – agonizing, painful, suffocating five years – her family’s agony can only be imagined – can anything ever make up for that time lost - isn’t justice delayed justice denied? All I can do is whisper a silent prayer for all those Bijal’s, Aarushi’s & Jessica’s out there - who die a silent, untimely, cruel death – for no fault of their own - every day – every minute.

Nostalgia

I know this feeling from before....this isn't pain I am feeling - it's nostalgia.

~Ally McBeal

He said - she said

She: Just imagine - wot if I might actually get to be one of those lucky people.

He: Wot lucky people?

She: You know how some people are together because they feel they cant do better - or how some people are sad and miserable living alone all their lives - and then there is this tiny miniscule group of lucky people - who actually get to be with the ones they are madly in love with.

He: Have you ever considered just being in love - and leave the madly bit out of it?

Oil's not well

The government finally went ahead and did it – announced a hike. Sadly, it was not a salary hike – but a hike in fuel prices. It was always an imminent move given the steep rise in crude oil prices in the international markets in recent times. The only consensus about oil prices right now is that they are not about to come down any sooner in the near future. The first reaction of anyone to the hikes would be to scream "Not fair!" – but a closer look at the details helps one see the bigger picture.

Let’s face it – the losses being incurred by oil companies in India have been to the tune of Rs.2,00,000 odd crores. If the fuel prices in Indian markets were not hiked now, then the companies would have, sooner or later, run out of money to buy crude and then the country would have – literally - come to a halt. As a matter of fact, these hikes – if anything – are only providing only temporary and partial relief. We need to realise that even with these hikes in place, these companies are still making a loss.

Agreed that the price rise might boost inflation further, which is already rocketing upwards to new all-time highs - but inflation control is to be chiefly done through the proper channels and by the right institutions. One solution could be to let rupee have a steady rise against the dollar, which would counter the rising oil prices. Another option could be to harden interest rates – with a healthy GDP growth rate, this would actually be considered a calculated risk. Shifting focus from inflation solutions, let’s acknowledge the fact that the government at the Centre, on its part, has cut taxes on fuel and a few Left-ruled and Congress-ruled states are already following suit. Most factions are chipping in to deal with the problem – then why should the common man be left behind – this question surely deserves a thought.

Meanwhile, amidst all this turmoil, to watch political parties of the Opposition resort to good, old opportunism – is to watch a repeat telecast of the blatant misuse of democracy. The mindless and hasty strikes called by the Opposition do not – in any way – reflect remotely reasonable sensibilities. The strikes organised across few states is only for protesting against fuel hike – no party involved in these strikes has come forth with an alternative long-term solution to the crude oil crisis facing the nation currently. My question for these parties is that when the country imports oil, shouldn’t it pay the prevailing international price? Shouldn’t the nation as a whole bear the burden of price rise?

To cut a long story short, this "oil shock" – as some are calling it – is here to stay and we better get used to it. Let’s face this long-known, well-ignored fact atleast now –all’s not well – rather – oil’s not well.

Exquisite

Vincent Van Gogh – always a revelation. His works of art speak to you – you interpret them in a different way every time you look at them. Exquisite brush strokes – striking colour contrasts – weirdly haunting mundane images – amazing variety in portrayal of emotions, moods and influences through shapes, colors and objects.

Brian Eno once said that "I've always thought that art is a lie, an interesting lie. And I'll sort of listen to the "lie" and try to imagine the world which makes that lie true... what that world must be like, and what would have to happen for us to get from this world to that one." Van Gogh’s world intrigues me and I can never tire of imagining it.


Poetry surrounds us everywhere, but putting it on paper is not as easy as looking at it. ~Gogh

A good picture is equivalent to a good deed. ~Gogh

It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to. . . . The feeling for the things themselves, for reality, is more important than the feeling for pictures. ~Gogh

I dream my painting and then paint my dream. ~Gogh

Keep your love of nature, for that is the true way to understand art more and more. ~Gogh


I believe there is nothing more artistic than to love people. ~Gogh

When I have a terrible need of — shall I say the word — religion, then I go out and paint the stars. ~Gogh

Brian Eno also said that "Rationality is what we do to organize the world, to make it possible to predict. Art is the rehearsal for the inapplicability and failure of that process." I guess the world owes its success in some ways to the failures of Van Gogh.

Creative Tolerance

I was having an interesting discussion with some friends yesterday about the recent clean chit given to the famous painter, M F Husain by the High Court for obscene portrayal of certain goddesses’ and Bharat Mata in some of his paintings. There are still 3 cases pending against the man –hope those are resolved soon as well – anyways, the whole discussion got me intrigued about the case and on googling it up for more details, what I found sure did surprise me – the judgement given by Justice Kaul in this matter deserves a round of applause. Besides the legal aspects of the case, his supplementary observations definitely are worth a mention -–two points particularly stand out.

One – he rejects the tendency of certain individuals and sections to be offended by works of art or literature. If one is offended – one should not read the specific book or look at the particular painting, but one has no right to stop someone else from expressing himself. What is vital is to look at any work of art from the artist’s point of view rather than that of the viewer.

Two – mindful of the fact that he may come across to certain sections as someone who does not understand that liberal attitude to art just reflects the mindset of a paltry minority with a vast majority only being offended with the kind of art his judgement will protect, he goes on to defend his line of thinking with the following lines – "A crude view of democracy gives a distorted picture…In real democracy, a dissenter must feel at home and not be looking nervously looking all around fearing captivity or harm for his unconventional or critical views. There should be freedom for the thought we hate. Freedom of speech has no meaning if there is no freedom after speech".

He concludes his statement with a hope that his judgement will serve as a prologue to a broader thinking and greater tolerance for the creative field. To hear such language and logic from an Indian High Court Judge - who has all the liberty to interpret the right to freedom in the most conservative fashion – sure does give a lot of hope for the future of creative expression in India.

However, all claps apart, how practical it is to expect such liberal attitude from all Indians? To what extent can odd and offendable forms of creative expression be ignored in a widely conservative country like India? Should there be no social bounds on creative expression? Can art get away with blasphemy? Is Husain right in taking liberty with his depiction of religion? Can it be ignored in the name of artistic license? Doesn’t art have a moral bearing on the society that inspires its very existence? Or does art merely depict a society’s hidden –sometimes unthinkable - perception on many unspoken and taboo issues? These questions remain – perhaps with no absolute answers.

Slander Games

Gruesome – shocking – scandalizing. These words summarize Aarushi Talwar’s death. She was too young to have any significant achievements to her credit – too old to not have any dreams for her future. What is it about her death that has caught so many eyeballs? I mean, murders happen daily – regularly – much crueler murders happen. Then why this chaos about this certain Aarushi? Maybe because she was just like anyone amongst us – regular – normal. Maybe because her death reminds us that we are perhaps not safe even within the confines of our own house. Whatever the reasons for the attention being given to her murder, what shocks me even more is the manner in which the media is highlighting and dissecting her life and character. Her conversations, emails, SMS'es and even her orkut profile is prime time news – her whole life is under public scrutiny – anyone who is anybody can have a say on what kind of girl was Aarushi – one doesn’t need to even know her personally for that.

Character assassination of Aarushi Talwar sure does look like a lot of fun – given how much the media is enjoying every passing moment of it. This just makes me wonder whatever happened to responsible journalism? Ethics? Morals? Values? Professionalism? When I switch on the television to watch news, I want to watch facts pertinent to her death and facts, that might help in nabbing the culprits – I am not interested in finding out unnecessary details about her friendships, family relations and phone transactions. I hope the media gives her some grace in her death and the journos behave like civilized human beings for once. Let’s not make a joke out of her death - draw a line somewhere and keep it professional.

Stray thoughts

Every night for the past week, I am searching for something when I look at the stars in the sky - answers - wonder when I will find them.

Things that make me smile :)

A smile on my ma’s face – I seriously believe that she is God’s special gift to me.

When pa falls asleep while reading his books – it is seriously cute.

Whenever any of my friends is smitten and in love – they are so happy and are ever-smiling like complete idiots.

Whenever I crack a really bad PJ and my friends go - "Oh Gawwwwwwwddddd!" :)

Seeing people talking busily into their cell phones – smiling – they seem so happy – makes me feel good.

Receiving hand-written letters – something so warm and personal about them – way better than any e-mail or gift.

Sipping buttermilk on a hot summer afternoon – actually anytime of the day – any day in the year.

Whenever my favorite song plays on the radio – when I least expect it.

Whenever I ride a cycle – seriously makes me feel like am back in school :)

Kids in my lane running after the ice cream van every evening – it’s chaos.

When I listen to the temple bells ringing in the distance every morning while I am waiting for my bus – makes me love God all the more :)

The garden in my neighbour’s house – she really loves her plants and flowers – it’s so sweet :)

The two kittens – hidden away behind that pile of sand opposite my house – they always keep peeping out – like naughty kids :)

The Mercedes parked 3 blocks away from my house – what a car! I want to own one someday :)

The stars in the sky which I see every night before I fall asleep.

Evening walks with ma on Sunday evenings.

Kids singing old-forgotten nursery rhymes in the day care center in my lane – every Saturday morning – I look forward to Saturday mornings only to listen to rhymes :)

The bus ride every morning from my house to office – I feel it’s the best time of the day – I love those rides.

Any mail from friends in my inbox

Serendipity, Notting Hill, Lagaan & Hum Tum – these movies make me smile – EVERYTIME.

Idli & sambar – I can die eating that combination :)

Oh ya – I almost forgot - shopping – coz lets face it – am just another girl after all :)

Note to self

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. I vaguely remember the last time I felt so many emotions at once – that day was not a happy day – yesterday was not a happy day either – it was a mind-numbing experience. I just mechanically walked through the day – oblivious to the happenings around me. However, today is different – it’s a new day. Have you ever heard your thoughts speak to you – in complete silence. They speak to you – always – telling you the right thing to do – I decided to listen – now I know the right thing to do – smile – laugh – through the pain – through the tears. I know I will be fine – maybe not immediately – but over time – sometime – some day – in some way – because no matter what happens, life is always beautiful – always giving you a million reasons to smile – it’s always your personal choice to choose happiness over misery – and I have chosen happiness. Also, no pain in life that a good, old plate of dosa and chutney cant cure – so three cheers to therapeutic South Indian food, to good times, to friends and to life :)

Dancing

I'm a menace to myself, dancing this close to heartbreak.

~Bright Lights, Big City

Smiling

Nothing makes you smile harder than a simple, off-the-track, casual, least-expected compliment - thanks :)

Arrrrrrrrrggghhh!!!

Its official - filling the annual appraisal is not a fun task - its BORING :)

PS: There are other things happening which make me smile though - so life's good :)

Twice

Two days in a row. Some times you just get lucky :)

Prejudice – stereotypes – bias

I am bored of it – tired of it – makes me wanna go “DAMN” at times. Not every girl is an airhead – some girls DO know Unix.

An afterthought: Not every guy is a pig – gentlemen do exist - believe it or not - had breakfast with one today morning :)

For you - a thousand times over

It’s 1 AM on a Friday night. Tomorrow is a holiday. I have just finished reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini – the fourth time. My heart feels heavy – and light – at the same time – don’t ask me how – it just does.

I became what I am today at the age of twelve, on a frigid overcast day in the winter of 1975. I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years. ~Amir

Very few books make an impact like this one – it makes you feel so many things at once – it makes you smile – frown – smirk – giggle – sigh – wring with guilt – seethe with anger – makes you want to take sides – then makes you want to be impartial and understanding - it’s a roller coaster of emotions.

I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night. ~Amir

The protagonist is as human as one can be – he is no hero – actually far from it. The nonchalance with which he brings about – his justification of his actions at times – his silent guilt – his pain of losing a friendship – his yearning for his father’s love – the jealousy he feels for Hassan – his confusion – his futile attempts to forget the past. Amir could be anyone among us – everyone has ghosts they fear facing – hidden long-forgotten secrets – we all have an Amir hidden away somewhere deep down.

I ran. A grown man running with a swarm of screaming children. But I didn't care. I ran with the wind blowing in my face, and a smile as wide as the valley of Panjsher on my lips. I ran. ~Amir

The tale represents hope to me – hope to someday correct your wrongs – hope to somehow make a difference to some one’s life – hope to somehow smile whole-heartedly some day – hope to come clean of your sins – hope – that’s what keeps the world going right – or was it love? :)

Quiet is peace. Tranquility. Quiet is turning down the volume knob on life. Silence is pushing the off button. Shutting it down. All of it. ~Amir

Yep – shutting it down it is – till the next time I pick this one off my bookshelf – for the fifth time.

For you - a thousand times over. ~Amir

This one will haunt me for a long time to come though.

:)

I thought I saw your face in the evening sky
On a lonesome cloud that was drifting by

Brilliant

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.... that's a tough one. But I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. and somebody puts a code on my desk, something noone else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East, and once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hidin'- fifteen hundred people that I never met, never had no problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', oh, "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot, just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie over there, takin' shrapnel in the ass; he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from, and the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so that we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price, and of course the oil companies use the little skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices- a cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. They're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, o' course, maybe they even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs; it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's outta work, he can't afford to drive, so he's walkin' to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids, and meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure screw it, while I'm at it, why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a villiage, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected President.

~Will Hunting in Good Will Hunting (1997)

Love u pa

What I remember - those early morning walks - smelling the flowers - click of cameras - those bedtime stories - those fixed Saturday afternoon lunches – spending hours choosing your spectacle frames - waiting for long hours at the dentist with those same old jokes being retold a million times - the same old laughing over those cliched jokes - your smile the first time I ever wore spectacles in my life and cried :) - you narrating the tales from Ramayana and Mahabharata to me more than a million times - our shared love for animals – our cooking lunches and dinners together sometimes - you laughing your heart out every time I was pissed off because we were not on time - you laughing every time I screamed seeing a lizard - you asking me to explain concepts like phase and amplitude - your emails to me while I was away from home for 4 years - your one-minute calls to ask me if I needed anything back at the hostel - the smile on your face when I got back home every 4 months - our plans to surprise ma - your concern every time I got delayed at work – you smiled when I smiled – you cried when I cried – you never told me how to live my life – you just let me watch you live yours – thanks pa.

2 AM

Just one of those days – am smiling since a very long time for no particular reason – that song has been playing on my ipod for the last 1 hour – I think it will play for another hour – wonder if it’s the lyrics – the memories that come back with the song – wonder if it’s the song at all – have been dancing around for the heck of it – trying to put down my feelings but have no right words – it’s like floating in the clouds – it’s like feeling giddy standing on the 23 rd floor of a high rise and looking down – it’s like the feeling of ecstasy you get while dancing really fast. This person I see in the mirror – wonder if I will meet the same excited person next time I see the mirror some other day – some other time – am happy - just want this euphoria to continue – for some more time – perhaps forever :)

Pursuing happiness

She could be any one amongst us – she is my friend - she has the perfect life when seen from a distance – in every way – but she is not happy – like most of us. She does not know why – she has no major troubles – no issues – but something is amiss - however hard she tries, she is not able to find her exact problem. My recent conversations with her got me thinking - do we sometimes search for happiness in the wrong places – do we always have to search for happiness – should we be more busy creating reasons to smile rather than wondering why there are not enough reasons. Way back in school, I got a gift – it was a wooden plaque which had these words engraved on it – "Happiness is not about having everything – it is about enjoying everything we have". True – simple lessons in life are maybe meant to be the easiest to forget and the most difficult to recollect – else we would be in a perfect world and life just might be boring.

Worth a thought

Sometimes you have to let go to realise if you had something worth holding on to.

~Anonymous

Happy new year???

Take 1: Somewhere in Mumbai

Take 2: Somewhere in Kochi

It is becoming the usual way India celebrates the arrival of a new year. It happened on New Year’s eve in 2006 – it happened on New Year’s eve in 2007 - it happened when Dhoni and his men brought the T-20 World Cup home - it happened when the new year was rung in yesterday. No - I am not talking about celebrations – I am talking about molestation of women. On one of the news channel debates, a police chief had to say that the women were at fault – they were in an inebriated state – they were inappropriately dressed to be walking on a road – they "invited trouble" for themselves.

I am amazed at the double standards, which exist for a man, and for a woman in the Indian society. Good girls stay at home on New Years eve and the "fun" ones hang around and ring in the new year with their friends at one of the million parties in one of those discos. Doesn’t a city belong to a woman? Doesn’t she have the right to celebrate the New Years eve in any manner she wants? Doesn’t she have the right to join the procession in Mumbai, which welcomed Team India after their win in South Africa? Does a woman have to play the role of a moral science teacher to a man at every stage of life? Can’t a man decide and stick to his morals for himself? Does she always have to be a victim of the stereotypes of few stifled minds, which define the ideal decent behaviour for a girl?

Shame on the police who eat the tax payer’s money to protect the citizens – men and women – and then leave the women of the society to take care of themselves. They say a society without a conscience gets a police without a conscience – I guess we are getting what we deserve at some level. Somehow even the most developed and safe country cannot boast of a safe terrain for a lady – whether we decide to do something about it or just shake our head for a while and move on in life – that is an individual's choice.

2008's here :)

Never a saint without a past
Never a sinner without a future
Forgive yourself of all your sins
It's time to start all over again

Wishing one and all a very happy 2008 :)

Come 2009 and..

Gandhis and Bhuttos – nothing in common at first sight – may be as different as chalk and cheese. A closer look reveals the shared legacy of both the names – the habit of constantly living under the public eye – the pride of being called destiny’s children – the high of leading the nation into changing times – the low of untimely, unexpected, gruesome deaths in the name of the country. Yes – they do have many things in common – and another name went down in the books of history to justify this uncanny connect – Benazir Bhutto. Assassinated on 27th December 2007 in a suicide attack in Rawalpindi, Pakistan – exactly ten weeks since her much-hyped arrival in Pakistan.

The implications of her badly timed death, who benefits the most from her demise, what’s the future of Pakistan from now on, what will be the next move of the White House – these are the theories for the media and people to guess and for time to tell. An immediate impact on me though – as an Indian, I am worried about having an in-the-making-extremist state like Pakistan as a neighbour – it will only be a matter of time before the extremism and terrorism, in it’s full force – spills into main-stream India. This is an issue India will have to wake up to and take action against – real soon.

In 2009 India will choose her leader again. It would do well for Congress and BJP to think beyond their "Garibi Hatao" and "India Shining" (now – "India Rising") campaigns and try to include the various hows of tackling extremism and terrorism within the country. It will no longer suffice to treat another bomb blast within a city as an abnormality – the cites need to be prepared for such events – just useless talk and compensation money for victims might no longer be enough to shut the questioning tongues. After all, history is only repeating itself – a huge mistake of this century called the Iraq War happened in 2003 – but the man behind the whole farce was re-elected to the White House in 2004 for the sole reason that the average American believed that only Bush could protect him and his family from a man named Osama Bin Laden.

Like it or not – terrorism has already become a part of our lives – with more than 4 blasts in the country in the same year, things only look set to become worse – we need to start becoming more consistent about our worry for security within the country – else in a country of people filled with a selective memory of only all things good and long-term immunity to disaster and pain, an entire election might again just be won on the sole topic of farmers getting free electricity and water in his fields.

Christmas Cheer

Merry Christmas to one and all - from my family to yours.Christmas was as usual fantastic this year as well -something about this time of the year - there is so much love and happiness that it makes you want to smile for no particular reason all the time :)

Saw Taare Zameen Par today - watching it was a moving experience - this Christmas I really wish that every Ishaan Avasthi finds his Nikumbh Sir before it's too late.

Note to self: Taare Zameen Par makes me want to start painting again. I think I will.

The search within

Heroes – we all need one – to look up to – to feel good about life – to feel safe – to know that we still stand a chance – to realise that it’s not all over. A hero could be anybody – a parent – a friend – a stranger – a celebrity. We always search for a hero – to lead the way – to set things right – to rescue us from the trouble we sometimes create for ourselves. What we only forget almost always is that there is a hero within each of us – waiting to be found. Initiating the search within – that’s a choice not everyone gets to make – that’s a choice not everyone wants to make.

On the go.

I was told a very interesting quote by someone today morning - life is like pizza - when it's good, its pretty good - when it's bad - it's still pretty good :) That's a good no-nonsense fact to start a day with :)

Wow

Meryl Streep in The Devil wears Prada - what an exquisite potrayal - what a brilliant actress. Never simultaneously loved and hated a character as much as this one in a really long while.

PS: If the devil wears Prada and God wears Gucci, people wear...err...Armani?? :) Nah, not true - atleast not for all of us - now GAP would be a more realistic guess :)

Choices maketh man

You begin life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make a mark. You begin to have your opinions and you start making choices. You make mistakes – you learn. You realize that life is a series of choices involving risks. It is a cause and effect relation throughout. Nothing ventured -nothing gained. The more I see and experience life, I realize that to know who you really are – step back and take a look at the path you have traversed – your choices define you.

A thought

They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Maybe if we spent a little less time beholding - the world would be a happier place.

L'amour

It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found.

~John Forbes Nash in A Beautiful Mind

Well...

Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.

In retrospect

Some people pass through your life and you never think about them again.

Some you think about and wonder what ever happened to them.

Some you wonder if they ever wonder what happened to you.

And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again.

But you do.

An inconvenient truth

You look at that river gently flowing by. You notice the leaves rustling with the wind. You hear the birds; you hear the tree frogs. In the distance you hear a cow. You feel the grass. The mud gives a little bit on the river bank. It’s quiet; it’s peaceful. And all of a sudden, it’s a gear shift inside you. And it’s like taking a deep breath and going, "Oh yeah, I forgot about this."

~Al Gore

Overheard

"... and what you are left with is a premonition of the way your life will fade behind you, like a book you have read too quickly, leaving a dwindling trail of images and emotions until all you can remember is a name."

~Jay McInerney

La Vita E Bella

"Natasha has just come up to the window from the courtyard and opened it wider so that the air may enter more freely into my room. I can see the bright green strip of grass beneath the wall, and the clear blue sky above the wall, and sunlight everywhere. Life is beautiful. Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, oppression and violence, and enjoy it to the full."
~Leon Trotsky

Giosué Orefice: "No Jews or Dogs Allowed." Why do all the shops say, "No Jews Allowed"?

Guido: Oh, that. "Not Allowed" signs are the latest trend! The other day, I was in a shop with my friend the kangaroo, but their sign said, "No Kangaroos Allowed," and I said to my friend, "Well, what can I do? They don't allow kangaroos."

Giosué Orefice: Why doesn't our shop have a "Not Allowed" sign?

Guido: Well, tomorrow, we'll put one up. We won't let in anything we don't like. What don't you like?

Giosué Orefice: Spiders.

Guido: Good. I don't like Visigoths. Tomorrow, we'll get sign: "No Spiders or Visigoths Allowed."

City of dreams

Bombay - correction -Mumbai. Have been reading about it these days - piecemeal - at a leisurely pace. I never came across a more layered city than this one. It might take a lifetime to uncover the various faces of Mumbai - dirty secrets - star dust - glamour and glitz - mind boggling riches - mind numbing poverty - the ignored underworld - the pseudo-stylish bhais - the corrupt politicians - the slums and the chawls - Bollywood and the actors. Perhaps the only city, where the most beautiful dreams exist in such extreme proximity to stark - bare - ugly realities.

Suketu Mehta, in his book "Maximum City", has painted Mumbai with such myriad colours that it all overwhelmed me initially. But as I progressed through the pages - I began to see Mumbai through his eyes. Mumbai - the city of the Taj Hotel - the city of Gateway of India - the city of Wankhede Stadium - the city of Dharavi slums - the city of the high-rises of Malabar Hills - the city of Dawood Ibrahim - the city of Thackeray - the city of vada-pav - the city of Dalal Street - the city of Bollywood - the city of dreams. At times - I had tears in my eyes - times when I was aghast at the audacity with which he spoke of certain sects and individuals - he came across as too blatant at times - but I was laughing with him when he made a passing sarcastic remark about something or someone - felt his pain when he missed the Bombay (not Mumbai) that he grew up with. The book spoke to me - about Mumbai and the burden of millions of shattered and fulfilled dreams that the city carried. He made me long to know Mumbai a little more better.

From the countless anecdotes, experiences and meetings he recounts with varied contrasting characters all across Mumbai, he - at times - eloquently and at times - crassly brings out the hidden truths and blatant rumours about Mumbai. Be it the Demolition Man - Honey - Mona Lisa - Sunil - Girish - Chhota Shakeel - Bala Saheb - Vidhu Vinod Chopra - Ajay Lal - everyone carries a little bit of Mumbai in their heart. They sometimes curse it - sometimes sing praises of the city - but they are addicted to it - every bit of it - the rich to their single malt whisky evenings on the high-rise balconies - the poor to their dirty and stinking chawls and shanties.

I might never get to experience Mumbai up, close and personal - but after having read Suketu's book, I can say for sure that am now a pseudo-Mumbaikar - a little bit of Mumbai goes with me now - wherever I go.

Of reunions and goodbyes

The last week just fleeted by. Amidst all the work and studying, I managed to squeeze in Jack Welch, Suketu Mehta and J K Rowling – a chapter each - got irritated with the power cuts – the killing Hyderabad heat – the long ride back home - Hrithik’s short hair - lizards which keeping falling off the walls of my house.

Weekend was chilled out. It was a journey back in time. Met two friends from college after a real long time – L and P. L has been a good friend always. He and I have never been swell friends – we have not kept in touch – we do not talk on a daily basis and our work definitely does not have much in common – but then – sense does not prevail when we meet up – thats the most fun part of it all - it was the same yet again – thankfully.

P was ever the same – the cute little charming kid – only now with an increased fan following – both here and overseas. She was just the same. We both also now don’t have many common things to talk about – we don’t keep in touch for days on end – but there is always this comfortable sense that we are there for each other in whatever way possible. Guess that’s what the real essence of friendship is all about anyways. Wished her good bye yesterday. I don’t like goodbyes. They make me retrospect many things – relive many moments – make me sad mostly. P, L and I might keep in touch in future – might not keep in touch – but then with some friends you can pick up things just where you left thm - you dont ever owe an explanation - you just know that they will understand. P and L are two such friends. Till we meet again guys – God bless and good luck.

As for me – back to making Premji richer – increase my work-ex numbers and watch and gape at Spidey – long week ahead. But then I know it will be a fleeting one – just like the previous long weeks of mine.

Out in the open

The best advice I ever got in life was from Ross Geller in a F.R.I.E.N.D.S. episode. He said – never keep anything in your heart. Speak things out. Never keep the ifs, buts and what ifs around you. When you speak things out, you get a clear perspective – a third person’s viewpoint. When you hear yourself saying things out – you realize whether your reasons behind the whole issue are truly logical or just something immature and kiddish.

I did it once – apprehensively – skeptically – cynically – hopefully. I was not disappointed. I realised Ross did make sense. It hurt at first – a lot at that. But then, sometimes, band-aid is not the solution – you just have to let your wounds breathe and hope that they will eventually heal.

Eternity

Your skin like dawn
Mine like musk

One paints the beginning
Of a certain end,

The other, the end of
a sure beginning.

Fin

We come across people – daily. We have almost a hundred conversations on a daily basis – how do you end a conversation - ever thought of it? I met a friend after several days – we were talking sense – sometimes – nonsense – almost all the time. In middle of the conversation, he mentioned the various ways in which people try to end a conversation –the subtle hints – the blatant yawns.

Well – it’s true – there are so many ways to do it. People can be real creative in these matters. Keep glancing at your watch every 2 seconds – gets the other person to say a bye himself. Tell him/her that his/her vehicle must be out in the sun for a long time and he/she better do something about it. Mention casually that you are getting late for your bus/some other work. My personal favorite is the glancing at the watch bit. Not really subtle - not at all offending - real effective. Almost never goes wrong. Depends on the skill with which you execute the act though. Sounds too technical. The thing is – it is technical. As months pass by and I turn older in this corporate scenario – I notice that there is a fixed methodology to many things – the subtle hints – the unasked questions – the reluctant answers. Most of the communication happens through body language. You can make out when is the best time to approach your PM – when is the right time to stop talking about your idea in the meeting – when your presentation is going great guns – when it’s the time to wrap it up all and have a seat. Its all out there and yet I notice that people are not cautious about their body language. Well - the sooner they learn - the better.

On a totally different note - after my friend left, I was thinking of awkward situations similar to ending a conversation effectively - I remembered one mentioned by a friend long time back. How do you ask people whom you have met already their name once again? That one is a serious catcher. He told me several ways to do it – extremely witty ones - but that makes space for a totally different post.

F5

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

~JRR Tolkien

Bleak

The sun is the same in the relative way, but you’re older: shorter of breath and one day closer to death

~ Roger Waters

Not ready to make nice

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

In life, sometimes, the most difficult thing is to forgive and forget. There are times when people are mean to you – when people just want to hurt you – people try to break you – people ridicule you – people cheat you. What do you do? Forgive? Forget? Is it as simple as it sounds? Is it really possible to forgive and forget?

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying

Trust – the most underestimated word. Doubt – the most damaging word. Over time, I have come to realize, that, any relationship first and foremost, needs trust, for love to even breathe anywhere near it. I used to think that love led to trust. Experience made me realize that in life, the order is reverse.

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round

Is it very bad to be selfish and think about yourself once in a while? When you just want to be mean? When you don’t want to think about the right and wrong? When you don’t want to know the other side of the story? Is it necessary to always to put others before self forever?

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Is it never late to give some one a second chance? Is it fine that you don’t want to give some things a second try? When you are just tired of everything around you so much that you just need a break and want to be by yourself? Is it okay that infinite number of sorries don’t seem to make any difference to the damage done? Is it okay that you still pretend to assume everything is fine and take each day as it comes?

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and I kind of like it

Is it okay that, some times, some action of some one, some where, changes your entire perception about things, perhaps forever? Is it okay when you want to hold a grudge forever? Is it fine to move on, in life, from here – being a little low on the trust factor? Is it fine to leave some tales in life with no endings?

Long forgotten..

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened into the rose-garden. ~ T.S. Eliot

Memory – I wish I had a selective one. Sadly, it will only remain only that – a wish. We all carry a small ache somewhere in our heart - which makes us happy and sad alongside. About some long forgotten events – long lost people – old times. You start living in the present and conveniently forget about them. But then, who has been able to escape the past? A wise man once said – “ You can’t explore your future without fully acknowledging your past”. True – I just thought I could be an exception to that rule – but guess am not.

Well, was reminded of something today after a real long time. The message brought a smile to my face and a old, forgotten thought to my mind. There are a few people in everyone’s life, to whom you just react with a “what could have been if?”. I just came across one such person of my life, today, after a long time. Memory – a child walking along the seashore – you can never tell what small pebble the child will pick up and store away among its treasured things. Had a rendevous with one such treasured memory after a long time. But that’s what they will always remain – memories.

Let go..

This one goes out to a very dear friend of mine...just to give him a reason to smile, while he's busy finding himself.

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God
because He was my friend,

But then, instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help
in ways that were my own,

At last, I snatched them back and cried
"How can You be so slow?"

"My child", He said, "What could I do?"
"You never did let go"

~Unknown

Shards of genius

"As a writer, one spends a lifetime, journeying into the heart of language, trying ot minimise, if not eliminate, the distance betwen thought and language. At The Hague, I stumbled on a denomination, a sub-world, whose life's endeavour was to mask intent - they breed and prosper in the space that lies between what they say and what they sell"

"This loss of any sense of words inevitably leads to a dimunition of the faculty of imagination, for imagination has to have solid, precise categories, so as to be able to leap across and between them. "

"The only dream worth having.... is to dream that you will live while you are alive and die only when you are dead....which means exactly what - To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty in it's lair. To never simplify what is complicated and complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget."

Money Matters

Found this draft, while clearing out my desk earlier this morning – thought of posting it, because this is one of the few topics I am seriously passionate about.

"Frankly speaking, I don’t understand money and it does not bother me – it’s a boring thing to discuss and to think about as well - I have more important things to worry about you see" – this is what my colleague had to say when some thing related to an LIC policy came up. It was a lazy Friday afternoon at work. The work for the day was done. And I heard those lines. Wow – ignorant and proud of it as well. Sadly, she is not the only one who takes pride in the fact that she does not understand how money works – what happens to sensex – how the hike in reverse repo rates affects her in the long run.

Money – you come across it everyday – when you pay for our daily ride to office – when you buy your lunch – when you buy that latest CD from the music store – you need it at least once during each day. You are earning big – you are earning well – you have enough bank balance – you spend – you spend big. You buy an iPOd – you buy a digicam – you buy the latest luxury phone model in the market – you go shopping in the malls every weekend. Money – responsible for giving you all those "good things" in life - yet you fail to understand it – you find the business news boring – you don’t understand the hype and hoopla surrounding the budget every February. You are more than glad that you just need to declare your savings and invest a lakh somewhere so that you get the annual tax benefit. That's where it all ends.

Has the word investment ever struck a bell in your head? "No – my husband/dad manages that for me. I don’t like looking into those matters you know." Awrite, I hear you lady and I keep mum. I don’t think anything I say or tell will make any difference to her thinking. But I fail to understand what mindset will her child be inheriting money-wise? Not my bother you say – and I agree with you. She’s pretty fine with her thoughts and she’s sure she is right. One simple question though – your money – you earned it – why is some one else investing it for you? Okie – he is your husband or your father – but you at least need to be aware about where your money is going. I know I sound pessimistic when I say this, but no one can be trusted in today’s world. You shout at the top of your voice that you are an independent woman, then why not be independent in the real sense lady?

I read a book once when in college - Rich dad, poor dad. The book talks about how understanding money and how it works can put you a step ahead of the pack. But the one thing mentioned in that book that struck note with me and will remain with me forever, was to always make sure that even if one earns a paltry sum, make sure your money is working harder than you – not wasting itself sitting in the bank. I think too much about all these money matters maybe because am the daughter of a banker – but trust me I have seen both sides of the coin. I have a ma, who is very particular about money matters and I have a pa, who prefers to stay away from money matters. I agree with the former, while disagreeing with the latter, regarding this issue. You might say that it all boils down to one’s personal perspective and choice - but only one question to you – how can you possibly afford blatant ignorance about the one thing that you interact with, on a daily basis, day after day?

Guts...what's that?

“World cup collapso” - “The dream is over” - “A billion hopes sink” - “The big three fail” - “Port of Pain” – few of the several witty headlines to declare the fact that India was virtually out of the World Cup . Saturday morning was not a good morning for you if you were an Indian fan. Emotional reactions, mock funerals, all the drama unfolded as the day progressed. Every possible news channel had some Tom, Dick or Harry yapping about how India should have got it right, how Dravid did not deserve to be on the hot seat any longer, how Chappell was a devil in disguise for Indian cricket. The theories were weird – the reactions were extreme – the media was excited – people were frustrated – the captain was sad – the coach was agitated. Well, the weekend is over and humour has taken the place of frustration and pure, unadulterated anger and frustration. SMS jokes about the Indian team's abysmal performance are the toast of the day.

Among all the opinions hurled all over the place against the players, I heard a common phrase time and again – “killer instinct”. They called it attitude – they called it guts – they called it body language - they called it strength – but they all were hinting at one thing : Indians just aint that strong enough mentally to take on big challenges. "Oh come on", they said, "history is the witness. Look at 2003 world cup. Look at any major final of a cricket tournament. Indians give up on the fight long before the game is over".

My first reaction – that could not be true. I mean come on – how can one explain a Ambani, a Tata, a Birla, a Nooyi. Surely, Indians weren’t weak mentally. But sadly, I could come up with quite a few “glittering” examples of an average Indian’s love for mediocrity.

Take a look at cricket - we have a Dravid – we have a Tendulkar – we have a Dhoni – but do we have a team which performs? Indians perform more for personal records, than to win. Personal records mean more adulation, which implies more endorsements, which means big moolah. Sehwag was hell-bent to be on the team to feed his ego, rather than to make India win. Ganguly had more of a point to prove than anything else when he got back to the world cup squad. We just were not a team – we lost – surprised? Well, don’t be.

We are asking for the removal of the captain, but do we have a replacement? " Nope – we are no Aussies man". That’s what we have to say. Its true but isn’t it? Aussies had no Shane Warne – no Brett Lee – but any difference in their aggression? An Australian player announces retirement and they have an able, competent player to take his place. We, a nation of a billion people, in a world with a population close to 6 billion, cannot come up with 11 men to go and win us matches? The “killer instinct” – Aussies made 377 against South Africa and the Proteas put up a strong defence for the first wicket, making nearly 165 runs. Did the Aussies flinch? Was there any change in their body language – their aggression? I could very well imagine the nervous totter of a Harbhajan Singh and the frantic pacing of a Dravid if the Proteas did the same thing in a match between India and South Africa. Do Indians lack that killer instinct?

Take a walk down Dalal Street - we don’t invest as much in the stock markets – our risk appetite is surprisingly low – the smallest piece of news can send our Sensex levels on a tailspin. The NYSE has been bullish for the past fifteen years – it has seen it’s share of falls and rises. Sensex has just started seeing that trend. The average joe is more than eager to get on the high wave, when the Sensex touches unprecedented highs – but when the sensex falls, he is the first one to remove his money from the market.

Any economist will tell you that you need to understand the markets and invest when people are running out of the markets. I mean you go to a discount sale and buy maximum things. Have you ever heard of people waiting for a time when the price of products is exceptionally high, to make their purchases? But, an average Indian does not really get that approach. He makes little or no effort to understand the markets and just throws in his money into the markets like a gambler. The risk appetite is there – it is more foolish than calculated move. Some people still believe that investing ins tock markets is equivalent to gambling and frown up it. We are taught from the beginning that ambitions are good as long as they are limited. We make movies, wherein a person who wants the best things in the world, ends up losing everything towards the end. Are we taught to lack that killer instinct?

Some call it the colonial hangover, still extant amongst us Indians – some called it self-contentment. Call it what you want, but our culture does not teach us to dream big. It teaches us to be satisfied with what we have – some one dreaming to be a Roger Federer is more often than not, laughed at. We are asked to be practical – not dreamers. There is a reason the film fare awards in India go to the most romantic movies and the Oscars always has had a soft corner for the underdogs who make it big in life . We emphasize way too much on heart and less on mental strength.

Well, things are moving ahead, India is shining, but the thing is almost all developed countries are 10 years ahead of us in terms of development. We take pride in the fact that the Mittals, Tatas, Ambanis and Birlas have an Indian passport, but from whatever I could come up with after thinking about this for a while, the Nooyis and Kidwais and Murthys and Permjis are more of exceptions than trends.

For now, Indian team will soon be on a flight home and we will still be discussing what went wrong and people will still be dying of hunger, poverty and diseases daily in India. Well, all that can wait, what we really need to know is how can Sachin ever get out for a duck and how much are the sponsors losing? Dhoni is playing with my emotions for God sakes!!! Sad but ttrue, when will we display such a passion for a better life? Only time will tell.

True...

Men were thought to apologise for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.

~Lois Wyse